Ngobe

Incomplete Circle

An American move “Why Did I get Married” sparked debate about the 80/20 principle,  in essence what the movie wanted to highlight is that if you have 80% of what you want from your partner you must be grateful. This movie, I must say; made me think and think hard. The first question is whether this principle is accurate or does it really exist? If the answer to this question is yes, what happens to the 20%? How will it be satisfied? We can all agree that nature does not allow vacuum.

All this information can to me at a time when I had to make the most important decision in my life getting married and choosing the right partner. I started enquiring from my friends, whom most of them are married, how they came to a decision to get married. Most of them if not all, told me that they based their decision on their ability to live with their partners as opposed to love. This will includes issues such as religion, family orientation and so on. 

The other important factor is, whether an extramarital relationship can enhance one’s relationship.  If your partner does not represent 100% of what you wished for, can an outsider be of any help? This does not necessary have to be a sexual relationship but a platonic one with a person of opposite sex.

In case you are wondering, I believe in God and in a holy life. I however want to stimulate debate and find ways to improve our relationships and our way of life. I hope you will enjoy reading this piece and contribute meaningfully and share some of your thoughts with your friends and even your partner.

80/20 PRINCIPLE

About 8 years ago I met a young professional in the Free State whom we grew to be close friends. He was a graduate and was in his second professional job. Thulasizwe “Sizwe” was not a handsome person; he was an average looking guy, about 1.7m tall. His character was very welcoming and very friendly. He shared his life experience with me and this I must say made me look at life differently. He met a beautiful woman who was three years older than him. Olga was married with two children. She was not necessary beautiful, but extremely attractive. Her lips were inviting and she was well build. An African woman indeed with those trademark curves. They connected easily because they were both fellowshipping in one of South African churches.. Even though they were not working together they met frequently in their professional lives.

One morning as they were just talking Olga said something that left Sizwe thinking. They were talking about furthering their studies and possibly studying together. She said “I would not be in a position to study with you”. At that time Sizwe did not respond. The following day he called her to find out what she meant. To his surprise Olga was madly in love with him. The next time they met, they kissed for the first time. They became close friends and kissed whenever they could. Even though Sizwe was not comfortable with the relationship he could not let go. He was also enjoying the conversation which used to last for a reasonable time on the phone. As time went by, she made an arrangement to visit him. As he was no his way to the bus rank, he kept asking himself where is this going. They met and went to his house; as soon as they arrived they could not wait to undress each other. They kissed passionately leading her into his bedroom. They made love passionately. They moved from one angle to the other, changed positions and had good sex. They slept together that evening and had more sex over night. Olga was supposed to leave the following day. So they had more sex in the morning.Sizwe was still perplexed about what happened. It was the first time he had sex with a married woman. On Monday he called her and she confirmed that she arrived safely. A week later they met and they started talking. Sizwe carefully asked her why is she cheating on her husband. You don’t want to know, she said.

As the conversation went, she said; I have been married for ten (10) years and my marriage has been going well. I have never cheated on my husband, but about two years ago my husband could no longer make love to me. Why? He asked. He was diagnosed with a chronic illness which made him unable to get erection. We tried everything with no success. You see, I’m still young and I’m at a point in my life where I need sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I would never leave him for anyone. He is a loving person and a perfect father to my kids. As a God fearing person I know what we are doing in not right but what can I do? Have you tried using sex toys? Yes, like what they say, you can play tennis with a wall to a certain point. You will inevitable need some on the other side. This left Sizwe without words.

Few weeks later she booked a hotel room and invited her young lover yet again. Their sex improved every time. After sex they had a discussion. Olga said; you have no idea what value this relationship adds into my life and that of my family. I have stopped nagging my husband for sex and I’m generally happy because of you. I’m not referring to sex only; our conversations stimulate my mind and the knowledge that you are part of my life, makes life worth leaving.

Looking into this relationship, which is still continuing according to Sizwe and ask yourself, where do you draw the line? This is clearly an adulterous affair, but it improves the quality of a person’s life on the other hand.