for the life of v.

i know i haven't blogged in ages. didn't feel like i had anything new to say. 

i started a new blog called "letters to delete": the premise is this:

sometimes it's better to hold your tongue, yet there's something you need to get off your chest. so then say it in a letter that you'll never send. this is where i write those letters. and i won't revisit them. after a week or a month they will be deleted.

today i'm thankful for:

* the once scared dog next door now greets me everyday when i go outside an lets me pat her.

* my awesome, hardworking dad

* my best friends

* my laptop and having internet 

* not having such strict censoring of the net like they have in china.

*i have a choice in what i eat.

today's episode of Oprah was very interesting especially the insert about the oscar winning documentary The Cove. 

check out  Save Japan's Dolphins.

net onder die oppevlak

stamp hard teen die dak

figure, lewe, bo my

'n kraak, kans

wat die ys kan breek

die ligte bo skyn helder

maar dit lyk verbleek, 

verbreek. 

stamp hard teen die dak

veg

swem 

maar dis nou te koud

word stil.

I have endless POTENTIAL.

I am unique, talented and capable.

I am intelligent, creative and smart. 

I am loving, beautiful and equal.

I am confident, persevering and ready for change.

I am WORTHY of love, happiness and success.

I am ME and just BEING ME is GOOD ENOUGH. 

(c)lowercase v 2010

i am now completely broke and reliant on my parents. the producer still hasn't paid me. i haven't progress mucxh further and i have to find another job. 

i'm also wondering now if i shouldn't study something else. 

depression:

i have been very depressed lately and haven't felt like blogging. 

my levels of energy and drive have been very low. 

a few weeks ago i got really work up and my mother gave me some pills that the doctor gave to her to help me calm down. a few days later i called for an appointment but only got one for the 31st of may, my mother had one for the 19th so we swopped. 

i continue to take the sedative for the next 3 weeks, but stopped due to side-effects 

last monday i started taking half a cipralex ( iwas was on it brioefly in 2008) just to help me for the next week.

yesterday i saw my psychiatrist and he decided that we should continue with the cipralex and in 6 weeks he'll see if we should add something, since in the past anti-depressants on their own didn't work 

i'll be taking the full dosage from monday.

i haven't done kickboxing in over 2 months and i'm struggling to go back but i'll give myself a another week or so to adjust to the medication.

i have been doing guided audio meditation for the past 2 weeks. it was prescribed to by the psychologist. i haven't been to seen her in more than a month. i just don't feel like talking about needing to find work

i'm trying to smile more. even when it's for no reason.

yesterday i created an affirmation which i will post in my next post. i'm also thinking of starting a new blog. 

candida:

i have stopped taling the Pill prescribed by my GP. next month i'll see my gynae and ask her to test my hormone levels. i can't believe no one has suggested it yet, if there is a possibility that it might affect my candida. 

after feeling completely misrable last week i had a really nice weekend.

we had an awesome poker, pizza and cocktail night though i felt bad when my friend El gave me back the R20 which i chipped in for pizza, even worse when i later discovered extra coins in it. holy crap. i live with my parents, so it's not like i'm starving. they could at least have given the coins to the person behind the counter as a tip.

saturday we had an surprise birtyday braai for a friend and she was well surprised.

yesterday i went out to dinner with my parents, my brother and his gf. later on i met my friend J for coffee and met her fiancee for the first time. she told me to send me my CV because she knows someone at a recruitment agency.

kinda annoys me though when people i just met ask me about being jobless or about why i'm single. 

today i'm back in a dark place. i'm wondering if i shouldn't go back on meds or even check into hospital or something. i am unable to do anything. i wanted to do some writing or at least study but i spend most of the day crying and feeling very tired.  

what i'm defininetly going to do is take my old meds to the pharmacy to dispose of so that i can't take them.

tonight is kickboxing and i know i should go because i need the exercise and haven't gone in 3 weeks but my eyes are red and puffy and i have absolutely no energy. i'll probably feel better afterwards if i do go though.

mom should be home from work in about half an hour, so i should probably talk to her unless she goes to lie down immediately, she's always tired. one of the reasons i don't really want to be on medication.

people keep telling me that things will get better, but it never does.

i'm so tired.